Ricki
Lake’s Drag Queen Make-Over Contest
The
Fantasy Challenge
By
Miss Vera
Day
One. I’m one of four experts chosen to compete in a
Drag Queen MakeOver on the Ricki Lake Show. Producer Joyce,
a diminutive, freckle-faced cross between cheerleader and
drill sergeant recruited four drag queens from different
parts of the country. Each contestant was nominated by a
drag queen friend who felt s/he needed a new look. The other
experts, my competition included Cher, Shirley Temple and
Miss Drag Idol 2003. A visit to www.DevonCass.com informed
me that Devon was not only a make-up artist, but a photographer and
a phenomenal Cher impersonator who did his own singing. Chris
March, a big, round baby-faced man could turn himself into
Shirley Temple or a Teutonic Glamazon with the aid of one
of his elaborate wig constructions. He had an insane imagination
and his theatrical costume designs were showstoppers. He
called his website www.Gr8bighair.com for
obvious reasons. Artist Ashley caught the producers’ attentions
the previous year when he won the title of Miss Drag Idol
2003 and was a awarded a trip to Las Vegas. He was still
waiting for his tickets. They invited him back, this time,
as one of the experts. Ashley was lovely and even in boy
mode clearly knew how to sashay, sashay, sashay. Unlike them,
I was not a hands-on expert, so I relied on brains, beauty,
clever quips and natural cleavage.
As experts, we did have one thing in common: we each respected
the life-altering power of transformation. No one wanted
to dumb down the proceedings, be mean, or trash the contestants.
Though judging by the look of these “before” candidates
the producer would not have minded that one bit.
Now for the contestants. These were not like the trannys who
visit at Miss Vera’s Finishing School for Boys Who
Want to Be Girls, the well known crossdressing academy where
I am the dean of students. Our average academy students fall
into the category of Mr. Whitebread businessmen. These were
b (as in basement) level drag queens who performed in bars
and wore outfits that might have gotten them arrested, at
least that was the image each strove to project. The show
had encouraged them to look really trashy/outrageous/over
the top and each had followed instructions with enthusiasm.
Miss “Rough and Stuff”, a dark chocolate queen
from Chicago, wore an overly teased platinum fright wig,
turquoise spandex tights and an orange tutu. The orange tutu
matched her eye make-up and orange lipstick, which spread
from earring to earring. She was tiny, but scary and literally,
screaming. Galaxia was a big very white girl with pale powder
puff skin. Her style was gothic and mammoth, but not as large
as some people as I would discover. She wore knee high black
lace up boots, a sparkly black mini and red open weave sweater
that was stretched to capacity. Madison Lee had the best
face and figure. Ricki Lake was quick to point out the tiny
belly roll that peeked out from beneath Madison’s crop
top, but it was clear she was no where near the level of
the other three contestants. Whereas, our girl was definitely
the dreg of the drags. Fantasy was our nightmare: a six foot
four, 260 pound black queen with a huge butt and size 17
female feet. Everything about her was sort of swollen. Her “before” look
was a denim mini skirt, shredded at back to show off her
swaying caboose. She wore a skimpy beige top that was more
like a rag, no bra, no breast forms, just lots of flesh.
On her feet were tube socks and bedroom slippers. And she
did not have the most co-operative attitude. Did I mention
her pierced tongue and pierced chin?
The
show had agreed to pay for our academy dean of cosmetology,
Miss Deborah assist me the next day and do make-up. And when
I saw the “clay” we had to work with, I thought, “Oh
goddess, what did I get us into!” We have had lots
of challenges at the academy, a few East Indians, a Hasidim
with a long beard and peot or side locks, a few dames at
sea with skin as weather beaten as old orange peels, but
while I know there are plenty of you girls out there, we
have never had a black student, and Fantasy was very black.
There were two black contestants and two white. My first
emergency call to Deb was just to alert her to the fact that
our candidate was black. I could only leave a message. I
know Deb has had plenty of other gigs, and has probably worked
on all kinds of dark complexions, but I wasn’t sure.
The other make-up artists said they would help, but not to
the point of switching girls. Fantasy was a handful and no
one was that generous. I definitely had the biggest (in every
sense of the word) challenge.
Day
one was mostly sit around and wait. We did one ten-minute
segment and another one of twenty minutes. Meanwhile we sat
in the studio from 10 am to 4:30. They had promised I could
go home to rest (just a couple of blocks away) in the middle
of the day when we knew we had a big gap of time. But, that
was a lie. They were so disorganized, they really wanted
us to stay and be there at their disposal. Our lunch was
Subway deli sandwiches that looked like they’d been
run over by the train. Producer
Joyce gave us pep talks, constantly wanting us to be zippier
and livelier. “I’m not feeling you…I’m
not feeling you…” She threw out her arms and
jumped around like a Chuck Jones cartoon. We all pretty much
wanted to give her something to feel, like a sledgehammer.
But, I must admit, I had fun on stage. It was great to shake
off the dust and perform. Everyone on the crew except for
one creepy young guy in a suit with a clipboard was really
nice. I used my cane and toted my special pillow for sitting
down, when not on camera. And everyone crew and experts were
really helpful on that score. Even a couple of the contestant
drag queens proved to be real gentlemen. Somewhere in the
family “Rough and Stuff” was a mom or grandmom
who taught that boy manners. Though, not our girl Fantasy.
End of day one was the scariest part for me because we all
packed into a big limo, drags and mavens and headed to a
wig salon where it was our job to pick out wigs for our girls.
Did I mention our Miss Fantasy also had a huge head? The
other experts had said they would help me, but I was pretty
much on my own in the wig salon. Finally, the show’s
young intern Nikia, who was our chaperone, helped me to pick
out a wig, very long and lots of curls, a light strawberry
blonde. Fantasy’s dress was gold, so I thought we’d
go for the golden goddess look; even though she was protesting
a bit. Fantasy felt the gown made her look like she was “singin’ in
the choir,” while she wanted to maintain her “ho’” image.
Fantasy was quite a floozy and had the pictures to prove
it. Her favorite position was down on all fours; derriere
in the air. During Fantasy’s introduction, Ricki tried
to coax her into a split. Apparently Fantasy’s sponsor
had revealed that our girl was quite an acrobat. The audience
began hooting encouragements but the request had taken Fantasy
by surprise and she refused, thus prompting the masses to
boo, not an auspicious start. I just wanted to get out of
there and go home. I felt I already more than earned my money,
that’s for sure.
Finally
got home at 6pm. Called Miss Deb and I actually spoke to
her. She had a great attitude. I think she was really looking
forward to doing the show and getting back in academy mode,
too. (But remember she has not seen our girl, yet). As I
started to regale her with stories, she told me not to tell
her too much, because she might not come. So I stopped giving
her the gory details.
I
felt I could be in trouble in the wig department because
I did not think I’d gotten enough hair for Fantasy’s
huge head. So I put in a call to Miss Shannon, our academy’s
Dean of Do’s. I had wanted the show to let me bring
Shannon to help originally but they said they would pay for
only one extra person and for only one day. Shannon knows
the drag scene and every trick in the book and I knew we
might need her whole drag library. Our girl was too big for
most undergarments and the show’s wardrobe mistress
was both inexperienced, overworked, and under-budgeted. She
was, however, smart enough to admit she needed help. I called
Shannon, at first, just wanting to vent and get advice over
the telephone. But, in the back of my mind, I was hoping
for more substantial aid. I guess I sounded pretty pitiful,
for very early in the conversation, Shannon asked me if I
wanted her to drop by the studio and give the wig a lift.
Thank you, Goddess. I think Shannon would have done it for
charity, but knowing what I was getting her into, I offered
to pay her a fee I felt I could afford myself. She appreciated
it and accepted.
As
I mentioned, all of the costuming was in the hands of the
show. We were brought on as the experts, but we did not have
full control. They got all of the dresses from Macy’s
where they had a special deal, etc… Miss Fantasy was
a size 24. Expert Chris March, the big hair maven, told me
he was borrowing jewelry from Larry Vrba, an Imperial
Court jeweler and specialist in big Broadway baubles. The
wardrobe mistress was going jewelry shopping, but she had
not done so yet. At home, after the first day, when I told
my tale of woe to my former student and good friend Patricia,
she offered to lend her own Imperial Court jewels that had
been designed by Robert Sorrell. Turned out they were a perfect
match for our golden goddess-to- be. Patricia has impeccable
taste, so the jewels were big, but not gaudy.
That
night, Nikia, the intern, who seemed to be always charged
with delivering the bad news, phoned to tell me that our
call the next morning would be at 7:30 am. Initially, I was
told day two would start at 8:30/9. We were not taping ‘til
1:30. Joyce, the producer had said, “however much time
you need to get ready.” I told Nikia there was no way
I could reach Deborah to get her to come earlier. I wasn’t
going to be sitting around for an extra hour just to be at
their disposal because someone could not tell her ass from
her elbow. I did call Shannon and asked her to be there at
ten rather than 11. (A good move, because Shannon travels
at drag time).
Okay,
so now the team is assembled. Deb arrives bright and early.
(She had to get up at 4 am since she lives two hours out
of the city). She and I got to the studio and the other
experts were already at work. There was no make-up table
for Deb to work, but professional that she is, she brought
her own lights, so we set ourselves up. I was so proud of
her. She is an incredible work-mate.
First
we decided to get Fantasy into pantyhose and undergarments,
a task much easier said than done. The pantyhose they bought
were too small, one pair going up to 200 pounds and the other
240. Fantasy had never before worn pantyhose, so she was
no help. “My boyfrien’ likes me natural. I’m
a natural girl!” At one point, I had my head next to
Fantasy’s big butt as Deb and I tried to pack her into
the pantyhose and I thought, “What am I doing? How
did I get here?”
But
then, the magic started to happen, Miss Deb got into the
make-up. (Fortunately Fantasy had removed her face hardware).
Deb contoured and highlighted, molding and softening Fantasy’s
features, like she was sculpting a face on Mount Rushmore.
She smoothed the dark stubble from our girl’s thick
neck. Then she painted her with shimmery hues, setting the
tone for our “golden girl.” Shannon arrived and
had brought along extra hair, which was a good thing because
on inspection the wig I had picked turned out to be out a
demi and would never have covered her entire head. Our Dean
of ‘Do’s gave her what I later described as “butt
bouncing blonde curls.” Even Fantasy’s attitude
started to change, because she began to see herself as actually
getting pretty! And I was in awe of my team, as was everyone
else, the other experts, the drags, the shows’ crew.
 |
 |
Miss Deb gives Fantasy her delicate touch. |
Miss Shannon, Miss Deb and Fantasy with
tiara and twin torpedoes. |
Finally,
it was time for the moment of truth. Just before we went
on stage, Joyce the producer asked Fantasy if she had remembered
to wear her shorts under her dress. I thought Joyce was referring
to underwear because she was concerned about the borrowed
dress getting soiled. So I assured her Fantasy was wearing
plenty of underwear (including a saran wrap corset. This
girl was hermetically sealed!). No, it turns out the producer
was making a last desperate pitch for her to do a split in
her ball gown. Can you imagine!!! If Fantasy wouldn’t
do a split when she was dressed as a ragamuffin, did they
really think she would do it in silk and sequins? I quickly
put my foot down. To fortify my argument, I reminded the
producer that Fantasy was now wearing a thousand dollars
worth of rhinestones and that if her tiara should tumble
during her performance, the show would pay. There was no
more talk of splits. Even Fantasy has limits.
 |
A happy
Fantasy towers over her fairy godmothers Deb,
Shannon and me with magic wand. |
The contestants were presented from behind drawn curtains
that opened to reveal four shirtless hunks with rippled chests
holding feathered fans. The fans parted and each Galatea
in turn stepped into the spotlight, while her Pygmalion described
the process of her transformation. Devon Cass had buffed
and smoothed Miss Rough and Stuff. He used charcoal and silver
eye shadows on her dark complexion and painted mahogany highlights
into faux brunette tresses to compliment her floor length
russet gown. The lady glided onstage like a debutante at
her cotillion, muscles rippling in her outstretched arm.
“The bigger the hair, the smaller the waistline, “ was
Chris March’s motto, so his entry, Galaxia balanced
a ‘do that nearly kissed the ceiling. She might have
toppled over had she not been weighted down by the diamantes
that dripped from her ears, neck and bouffant. Her look was
very theatrical and ready for her close-up.
The
winner of the contest turned out to be Madison Lee, the one
who had the most points going for her from the start: the
best figure and a real pretty face, a creamy complexion enhanced
by subtle Latin and Asian features. But we were undeniably
winners too and the only ones interrupted mid-presentation
by loud spontaneous applause when I said we turned Fantasy
into the lady we knew lay within. I called her look “Beyond
Beyonce;” and included thanks to Deb and Shannon in
my presentation. Unfortunately we were cut a bit short I
did not get to describe all I would have liked. All that
applause cut into our time. Immediately upon leaving the
stage Fantasy hurried to the make-up chair and waited for
us like a good little girl. I was surprised at the suddenly
ultra cooperative attitude. Could it be beauty does as beauty
is? Then I realized that Fantasy just wanted to be comfortable.
After being under those hot stage lights our Marilyn was
melting like a candle in the wind.
 |
 |
Ashley
does the lovely Madison. |
Madison
and Fantasy, two winners. |
As
we were leaving, we met up with Miss Tiger, the academy’s
ballet mistress, who had come to be in the audience for moral
support. Also the drag queens like Connecticut Spice and
others from Florida and Chicago who had nominated their friends
were coming up to me and thanking me and saying how much
they admired my work and our academy. Our team is so good,
and this experience reminded me how good. Plus, we love working
together. It made even this near catastrophe a triumph.
But
most of all, I saw the power of the magic. For at least a
few moments, Fantasy’s life and image of herself was
changed. Fantasy became real. I had thought she was different
from other academy girls, but in this way, she was the same.
I don’t know how much this experience will affect her
everyday life. But I hope she remembers she gave a lovely
light.
First Air Date, May 21, 2004.
|
Producers
on Conan O'Brien asked Miss Vera to bring along a few props
for her interview. Conan tried to maintain his "straight boy" image
by fingering the silicone breast forms, but he couldn't resist
choosing his femme name, "Conina" and describing Conina's personality
as "whorish slut." Ginger "Spice" Halliwell asked Miss
Vera where we take students when they go out and about, "Do
you take them to pick up guys?" Miss Vera was happy to
declare she thought trannies are sexy. Students who want to
try out their flirting skills go to bars like the Silver Swan
where the patrons expect "girls with something extra." (First
aired 3/2003) 
